You Can Stick Your Lemons
by tjbaby
Summary: Oneshot Entry for FML contest: Bella Swan, Math teacher at a local public school, and finally she meets the man that would end her 'drought'. But then life handed her lemons...FML... Edward/Bella,AU,AH


FML Contest  
Title: You Can Stick Your Lemons  
Pen name: tjbaby  
Characters: Bella, Edward, Renee, Carlisle, Seth  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my life and you so don't want that!  
Summary: I'm Bella Swan, Math teacher at a local public school, and I finally meet the man that would end my 'drought'. But then life handed me lemons...FML  
AN: Thanks to my village of betas - My thanks to my wonderful ladies rhenea5018, KuroiBlackNightingale and vampthenewblack

To see the rest of the entries in this contest, please visit the FML C2: http://www . fanfiction . net/community/FML_Contest_Fics/77195/ (remove spaces for link to work)

* * *

Title: You Can Stick Your Lemons

Sometimes, life hands you lemons. You just have to suck it up and hope you are low on Vitamin C so it's not quite so sour. Things can go wrong, and when they go horrifically wrong, you have to try and make the most of it, hope like hell that life gets better and pray those lemons can magically turn into oranges.

_...Earlier that day..._

"Sweetheart, it would mean so much to me..."

The phone slipped as Bella reached for a stack of papers. "Dammit!" she cursed. She could still hear the person speaking.

"Hello? Hello? Are you still there?"

Grappling with the phone before it fell to the ground, she fumbled awkwardly with the small electronic device, hoping to catch it before it hit the floor and went the way of her last four phones. Elation filled her when she managed to catch it, and she hoisted it high in the air in celebration, with a loud "Ha!" before suddenly recalling there was still a person on the line.

"Mom?" Bella spoke hurriedly, "Yes Mom, I'm here. Just dropped my phone." Her mother's voice filled her ear once more, berating her for her clumsiness, the word 'again' hanging unspoken in the air.

Still, somewhat relieved with her success at not losing yet another one, Bella sat back in her chair, replacing the phone in the crook of her neck as she listened to her mother alternate between guilt-trips and heartfelt pleas.

"Come on honey, it's only dinner," even through the line, her mother's voice was wheedling.

Sighing at another torrent of words being warbled in her ear, Bella went to reach for the same stack of papers, but changed her mind and held the phone to her ear firmly with her hand, as she stood from her chair. No point in chancing it again.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to reason with her child-like parent as she rifled with her students' papers, "But Mom, it's Parent and Teacher evening, I don't know how late it will run..." Damn, where had she put Paul's marks? Bella absently listened to her mother as she searched for them. Where the hell were they?

"Please, Bella? It'll be short. I mean, come and meet him at least. You don't have to try to make it to dinner. Just... come meet him."

Her mother would not relent and it would be easier if she just said yes. She gave a resigned sigh, "Sure Mom, I'll come afterwards."

"Bella!" Her friend Seth hissed at her from the doorway and frantically pointed to his watch.

She nodded in acknowledgement and motioned at him to wait for her, "Shoot! Okay Mom? I'll come after, but right now, I have to go. We need to have a meeting before the parents start to arrive."

"Okay honey, I'll see you later. Oh, and Bella?"

Placing her papers in her bag, Bella waited through the large pause. When she finally spoke again, her mom's voice sounded hesitant and Bella held her breath, wondering what her mother was so concerned about. However, her words only put Bella more on edge.

"Please... try to keep an open mind okay?"

After reassuring her mother and saying her goodbyes, Bella snapped her phone shut. "Keep an open mind? Like that bodes well for this meeting," she breathed. Bella was well aware of her mother's tendency to choose her boyfriends based on their astrological compatibility or some other equally hare-brained reasoning. For the most part, this meant the boyfriends were moronic or complete imbeciles.

"Come on Bella! Meeting's about to start." Seth badgered her to hurry.

Throwing the rest of her papers into her bag, she snapped it shut, quickly searched the table top to confirm she had retrieved all of her belongings, and then, taking one last deep breath, she grabbed her bag and headed out toward the teacher's lounge.

"I hate Parent Nights," she grumbled to Seth.

* * *

Bella rubbed her neck absently. _'Oh thank goodness that's over. Funny, only one set of parents didn't show. That's a real shame I was hoping to talk to them about his transcript.' _The tedium and monotony of this evening had really gotten to her, and she rolled her head and shoulders, trying to ease the tension that had crept up during the course of the night.

"Um, Ms Swan?"

The tentative query came from her doorway and although she inwardly grimaced, outwardly she pinned her best teacher smile back into place, and turned her head to greet the newcomer.

"That's me!" Bella said in an overly bright voice as she got out of her chair to hurry forward and meet the last parent. "Come on in. You're late. So you must be..."

She stopped as she looked into the greenest eyes she had ever seen. "Mister Masen," she breathed.

"Edward." He held out his hand and numbly she shook it, feeling a shock run through her hand. Her eyes snapped up to his and she saw the same shock mirroring her own.

"Um, yes, well, err... Welcome to Parents' evening."

His brow lifted in sardonic amusement, glancing down at their stilled, joined hands and Bella hurried to pull hers away. Walking back to the safety of her desk and shuffling her papers needlessly, she rushed through her prepared speech as her mind went flat tack through all the 'helpful' scenarios of what she would much rather be doing with this man in lieu of discussing his son.

"Carlisle, your um, your..."

"Son," Edward helpfully supplied.

"Yes, yes, your son, well you know that he's your son, obviously, I don't need to tell you that, um, he's well, he's doing well." She peeked a glance at him and saw the twitch of his lips at her run-at-the-mouth speech. "Is your wife going to join us this evening?"

"Fishing, Ms Swan?"

The snarky comment threw her. She flushed as she denied quickly, "No. No, just ... not many fathers attend the parent evenings." His piercing gaze made her feel so transparent.

"We're separated."

"Ahhh well, um...right. Good. I mean not good, but ah...good that we don't have to wait for her to turn up that is." Crap. "Right so, ah... where was I?"

"My son, Carlisle."

"Oh yes."

Dear God, was her brain ever going to kick in? She was mortified. Flustered by her thoughts and her attraction to this man, she gulped, took a calming breath, and then promptly threw a coughing fit as her saliva made its way down her air passages. Edward leaped up and began to bang her back, but when she began to make louder choking sounds, her throat choosing to shut off in her mortification, she felt his arms go around her waist as he prepared to give her the Heimlech manoeuvre.

"No!" she managed to gasp out. "Wait!"

She felt him pause and stop, his hands still around her.

"Are you okay?" His voice vibrated in her ear, and she could feel his warm breath against the side of her cheek. Swallowing hard, she nodded.

"Yes, just um, wait..."

Bella was very conscious of his hands very close to her breasts and her nipples had tightened reflexively in response to both their closeness and his heat against her back. She knew she had been a bad idea to wait this long between boyfriends! Now her body was ready to leap on any willing victim! _'Well not any old willing victim,'_ supplied her mind helpfully._ 'Just this gorgeous god who happens to have his very delectable hands upon your needy body and is firmly plastered against your ass.'_

_Oh god, he was! _She wriggled and his arms tightened perceptibly against her and then, she felt it. _'Oh, please do not let him have a hard-on against my butt. Oh wait... he has a hard-on against my butt? Seriously? Oh my God, I think I just felt the flood between my legs. Please, please, please, do not let him notice anything. I will do anything! I will go to church every day this entire week if you just do not let him notice anything, 'k? Thanks.'_

"Ms. Swan?"

"Mister Masen, kindly take your hands off my person."

His hands dropped instantly and he stepped back. "My apologies. I did not mean to act in any way ungentlemanly towards you." His voice was stilted and she cursed inwardly as she realized how that must have sounded to him.

"Hmm..."

Edward spoke nervously, his face flushed, "I do mean that sincerely. I do not force myself upon any woman. Let me make it up to you?"

"No no, I mean fine, I accept your apology. Don't worry about making it up to me. Let's just get through this. I have a previous engagement that I need to get to. Now your son in math... he's incredibly intelligent and excels, given the right motivation. His grade point average has been..."

"Well, he is quite good at the subject," Edward broke in, embarrassment fading and prideful father coming to the fore.

Bella smiled back, "Actually, he's rather exceptional. He's aced all of the exams I've set and I am looking at a high recommendation for his transcript. I take it he is looking at applying for Ivy League colleges? I'd be shocked and dismayed if he isn't."

"Yes, he's been pegged to go to Yale since birth. It's a patriarchal thing, but I think with his brains he should really look at going to M.I.T."

She raised her brows at this remark, but said nothing further on the subject. Taking out her notes, she turned to Edward "Gorgeous" Masen. Snorting mentally at her ridiculousness, she started talking about his son, putting on her most professional manner. However, her mind - and body - were too busy taking stock of him; his brows, furrowing as they looked over her notes, the intense look of concentration in his eyes, the twitch of his jaw as he swallowed, the movement of his lean fingers as they tenderly grasped the fragile paper in his large capable hands... she stopped her obnoxious brain from going any further.

'The father of my student, remember? Don't do anything stupid,' she warned herself.

Bella can't recall what she said exactly throughout the interview, but thought she had managed to eloquently fudge her way through the rest of their time, and, with a smile plastered on her face, she finished up with, "So you see, he's really done very well and is a very capable student."

"Thank you for that, Ms Swan. He has really come into his own over the past six months. He's so much more responsible and I think maybe you might have something to do with it. He's commented a lot on the extra credit work you have let him complete for you."

"He's a good kid. I like to see students that are as passionate about this subject as I am."

"Is this all you're passionate about, Ms Swan?"

The look in Edward's eyes changed as he leaned towards her, his body language indicating that the student interview was indeed over, and she swore that his eyes had darkened simultaneously as his voice lowered. The husky tones sent shivers through her body and to her consternation and dismay; they coalesced to the juncture of her thighs. Dammit. Traitorous body. _'Answer him. Go on!'_ her mind was goading her, pushing her. She could almost see the pitchforks against her backside._ 'Come on! We haven't had a date in months! And this one looks so hot! Quit resisting!' _

Resignedly, she decided to respond in a similar vein and prayed for a little eloquence, _'Oh God! Dear God, please to not be making me say anything stupid. K? Thanks. Bai.' _Holding her heart in her hands she leaped in. All in. No holding back.

"No, it's not all I'm passionate about, Mister Masen."

What the hell? Where did that come from? And hel-lo... was that husky, melt-in-your-mouth chocolatey voice really hers? Wow.

"Edward. Please."

A small growl accompanied his final word. Nervously she licked her lips and she felt his eyes drawn to them. She licked them again and watched as his eyes tightened at the corners. Feeling emboldened at his reaction, she leaned forward and purred, "I believe those should really be my words, but only after dinner and many... _many_... cocktails."

She could not believe this coquettish manner was coming from her. _'Go Bella! I mean, dammit, be professional!'_

"I like the way you think, Ms Swan, or is that Isabella?"

She felt the tug at her lips and smirking, she winked in what she hoped was an enticing manner, "Bella. Please."

_'Crap. Shoot me now. I did not just wink at him.' _

He leaned back in his seat and Bella swore he had just adjusted himself. She could see visuals of her mind leaping with glee at that little joyous revelation.

Bella held her breath when Edward leaned towards her, his eyes intensely holding hers, "Oh, I believe I'll be doing more than begging you...Bella Please ... after that dinner and those many, many... cocktails."

_Oh holy crap a moly!_

"Bella? Oh! I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that anyone was still here, aside from staff." Seth stood awkwardly at the door.

Seth! _Saved!_ Bella almost got up and kissed the man, she was that relieved. She smiled brightly, honestly happy to see him.

"I won't be long, Seth." She turned back to Edward. "All right, Mister Masen, I believe that concludes this evening. I have somewhere I need to be. Do you have any further questions?"

He sat back in his chair and gave her a dark glance, "You never answered me about coffee or dinner."

Shuffling her papers before placing them in her bag, Bella replied dismissively, "I believe that constitutes a statement, and not a question. Now, if you will excuse me and my colleague here."

He grabbed her arm as she turned to leave the room. "Wait, Bella. Have dinner with me? Tomorrow evening?"

"Ah, Mister Masen, I mean Edward," she amended quickly at the look on his face. "Look, you're a Dad and I'm... I'm a teacher at your son's school. It - I - just well - I just can't really mix the two."

"Bella. I am a parent of one of your students, but that student will be graduating shortly from your class. And after the earlier debacle, the least I can do is make it up to you. Please, let me take you out to dinner. Or maybe just coffee? Perhaps now?"

Her stomach growled. _'Yes thanks, traitor.'_

His amused glance at her stomach did not assuage her embarrassment.

"Fine," she huffed ungraciously, annoyed with herself. "Take me to coffee." Bella winced as she remembered her mother's request. "Oh shoot, but I have to go to my mother's to meet ...someone."

"A date?"

"No, no. Um.." She chanced a look at Edward, his eyes staring anxiously at hers, and made a quick decision. "It's my mother's new boyfriend. She wants me to meet him. And .. I said I'd go. Seth was going to drop me off."

The smile that lit his face made her flush heatedly and she almost did not hear his question as he unhesitatingly offered, "How about I take you there and then we can go grab a bite afterward?"

_Huh? Oh right, it's only coffee? Right? What could possibly happen?_ "Everything!" replied a small part of her brain.

Lifting her shoulders in a small shrug, Bella smiled, "Sure! Why not? Seth!" Bella called out to the man at the door. "I won't need that lift. Mr Masen here," Bella gave the man a sidelong glance, "is going to give me a ride tonight."

As Seth nodded and left, Edward bent down to intone mockingly in her ear, "I'm going to give you a ride huh? Will you keep those boots on that I spy beneath that skirt, cowgirl?"

She blushed. Oh, this was so out of her comfort zone. "Um yeah... ahh... we should go."

He laughed. "Come then, Ms Swan."

The air was light as they left the building. He held her elbow as they crossed the dark parking lot. "I'm afraid I'll need to clear the passenger seat," he apologized. "I don't tend to have many passengers in my car."

Waiting, Bella gave herself a quick mental pep talk. _'Try to keep it impersonal unless he asks questions outright. Don't blab. Don't talk about past boyfriends. And wow,_ "...check out that ass," she muttered under her breath.

"Did you say something?" Edward inquired as he glanced over his shoulder whilst he finished cleaning off the seat.

"Huh? Yeah, um," she made a dismissive motion and swallowed hard as he leaned on the side of the car, his shirt lifting slightly to show a hint of skin in the light of the lamppost. "Nothing. It was nothing."

His eyes gleamed, with what she didn't dare ask, but she got into his car when he stepped aside. Smiling gratefully as he tucked her in, she waited until he shut her door before she drew a deep breath as he moved to the driver's door. A sidelong glance told her that he was used to gliding in and out of this vehicle a lot, the smooth ease in which he drew those long, slim legs in; the practiced motions of turning the key in the ignition, the careful handling of the gearshift...

Shifting in her seat, she was suddenly aware of the comfortable leather upholstery as it heated with her warmth and moulded to her figure, but it also made her embarrassingly aware that she was going commando. _'Don't let me leak upon his seat,'_ Bella prayed fervently. Oh great, now she sounded like Dr Seuss, or Mother Goose.

"What's wrong?" Edward's question brought Bella back from her silent conversation.

"Huh?" Yes, so eloquent, Bella. "Nothing's wrong," she squeaked. _'Now I sound like Minnie fucking Mouse,'_ she silently fumed.

"Relax, Bella. I'm not going to molest you." She snorted. Her eyes flicked over to him and he held her gaze for a moment before turning his eyes back to the road. He laughed quietly, "Yeah, that comes after dinner."

_'I wonder if this upholstery comes with absorbing qualities?'_

The drive there was both long and yet not nearly long enough as they pulled up in front of her mother's small home. Stopping the car, they sat in the dark for a moment; their breathing the only sound as he turned off the ignition and pulled out the keys. Edward broke the silence.

"Bella Swan. I've liked you for a while. I just want to say...no matter what the rest of the evening entails just know that I am glad you agreed to go out when I finally got the courage to ask." When he paused, she held her breath, but it exploded out of her at his next words, "And just so you know, I plan to supply you with as many cocktails as bloody possible tonight."

_Kiss the fucker! _Her brain literally screamed and if it could have, she was certain it would have pushed her straight into his lap. She thanked all the Gods; Pagan, Christian and any other available deities that it was not able to as she breathed out, "Oh..."

_'Oh'?! That's it? The fucking God that sits next to you tells you he likes you and implies he wants to engage in many debaucherous acts and you say, 'Oh?' What the fuck is wrong with you?!_

A knock on the window saves her from herself. Bella could still feel the implied napalm and pitch being boiled and knew she wasn't safe yet.

"Bella? Honey? Is that you?"

"I apologise now for whatever she might say or do to you, Edward," Bella muttered in a low undertone as she unlatched the car door. "Mom! Hey! Sorry I'm so late."

"Why hello there... I don't believe we've met. Are you Bella's boyfriend?"

_Ground open up. Like right the fuck now. _

"No Mom. This is Edward. He..."

Before Bella could finish, Edward saved her by interjecting, "I offered to give Bella a lift over. She looked tired after the strenuous evening and I thought I'd take her for a coffee to perk her up but she was adamant to see you. So encouraging when you see a child so vested in their parent's welfare, don't you think?"

_Slick_. She had to give him that.

"Well come on in. Dinner is still warm in the oven. We've eaten. Well..." Renee laughed nervously. "That is, my boyfriend and I have. Bella, why don't you come in and meet him? He's been very eager to meet you."

Reluctant to meet yet another loser that would most likely be another temporary fixture in her mother's endless line of boyfriends, Bella hung up her coat and led the way into the living room.

She stopped in her tracks. Eyes were staring at her - eyes with the exact same shade of green that Bella had been staring at only moments before. The new boyfriend with the disconcertingly familiar eyes, got up and walked over to her, extending his hand in a yet another very familiar manner.

"Hi Ms Swan."

Bella felt Renee nudge her. "Call her Bella, Carlisle. Everyone, this is my boyfriend." Dumbfounded, Bella watched as her forty-four year old mother walked over and wrapped her arms around the eighteen year old boy that Bella knew she had dismissed only hours before at school. "This is whom I have been telling you about, honey."

"Carlisle Masen! What is the meaning of this? Tell me you are not dating this...this cougar!" She heard the man behind her roar. _Uh-oh._

* * *

Sometimes, life hands you lemons. You just have to suck it up and hope you are low on Vitamin C so it's not quite so sour. Things can go wrong, and when they go horrifically wrong, you have to try and make the most of it, hope like hell that life gets better and pray those lemons can magically turn into oranges.

But sometimes, lemons are just lemons.

Like today, I found out my mother has another new boyfriend. She told me she wanted me to meet him, so I reluctantly agreed. However, when I walked out to meet him in the living room, to my surprise, I knew him. He's an 18 year old, my mother is 44. He also happens to be in my second period high school math class. And here I am, stuck in my mother's living room while Edward Masen, the man - who had only moments prior before promised to engage in every sexual activity known to mankind, with me, Bella Swan - shouts at his only son, the son that is currently dating my mother.

As the absurdity of this situation begins to settle in and the realization of what it probably means for my chances of ending my drought, I have only one thought, "Fuck my Life!"

You can stick your lemons.

* * *

.......

I hope you enjoyed this little fic. Sorry for the loads of updates. FFnet kept screwing with my formatting and even missed words. All fixed now I hope.

My FML prompt:  
Today, I found out my mother has another new boyfriend. She told me she wanted me to meet him, and I reluctantly agreed. When I walked out to meet him in the living room, to my surprise, I knew him. He's 18, my mother is 44. He also happens to be in my second period high school math class. FML.


End file.
